You won’t get this again

Some of my best races (not always necessarily by time, but by feeling) have been ones where I have been grateful for the mile I was in.

Most of the time, at some point in the race, I have the conversation with myself : “You won’t get this again”.  You won’t get to have another mile 12 of the So-and-so half, April 2018. You won’t get another opportunity to run a race with this exact group of people.  You won’t get this again, so savor it.

It is a state of mind that really came out of no where for me, as I am a ignorer of big moments. I fear that all consuming, post-big event depression that happens after a major life event.  So I just shut off my brain, and try and minimize the impact.

But just like in running, when we try and numb down the hurt or the joy, we never set out to accomplish what we have set out to do.  Transform.

I get married to Mitch Gilbert on Friday August 3, 2018.  Part of me wants to numb down the excitement, fearing the crash of a post-wedding letdown.  Part of me is terrified of not being in control of my emotions and letting myself feel things.  But then, there is part of me that remembers what I tell myself when I have my best races.  You won’t get this again.

The apex of ache or the high of happiness is never remembered correctly or completely.  It is that post marathon forgetfulness where we cannot seem to remember the agony we endured, usually 24 hours prior.  Or that post-happy slump, where we can’t remember what deep joy is without the cocaine-like high we enjoyed the day before.  It is never the same, and that is okay.  You won’t get this again.

Maybe the whole point is to be present and grateful.  Knowing I won’t get these moments again, I need to re-frame my mindset from protection to presentness.  I won’t get this again, and that is the whole point.

Maybe to be present is to recognize the privilege we have- the privilege to experience a moment,  to savor it, learn from it, and share it.

Presence is a privilege, one I don’t plan on squandering.

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